Okay, so I think the the actual saying by Eleanor Roosevelt is that you should do something that scares you everyday but I'm not brave enough for that... yet.

I'm setting myself a challenge. I constantly stay within my comfort zone, never venturing to do something different out of the fear that everything will go wrong. I'm a compulsive over-thinker and extremely paranoid so I literally always expect the worst. In my mind there's a constant tug of war between wanting to be a free spirit and being scared of the consequences. Needless to say, it's exhausting. Also, if you've ever heard about the Law of Attraction, it basically states that we attract everything into our lives through our thoughts and feelings. Therefore, bad thoughts/over-thinking usually leads to those same bad things happening - call me crazy, but I believe in this whole heartedly. It's probably the reason why the things I over-think about end up turning out badly...

My challenge this week is probably going to seem like a bit of a cop out, but for me, it was a lot harder than it seems. This week, my challenge was to be vulnerable, and I didn't even plan it.

Earlier this week, I found out some news that saddened (and annoyed me). To be honest, in the back of my mind I was always somewhat expecting it (is that paranoia or really good intuition?) but it still hurt - like a bitch. I won't go into details but I'm sure you can all agree that being let down is probably one of the worst feelings ever. But, I digress...

Usually if I'm feeling upset or sad for whatever reason, I become extremely distant. Instead of opening up to people, I shut myself off or pretend that everything's okay. I'm not too sure when I started doing this, but I think it's become my defence mechanism. At some point in my life I began correlating sadness with weakness (which totally isn't the case!), so showing that I've been emotionally affected by something has always been a no-no. I'm a strong person, and I've always thought that strong people don't sit around and mope - they pick themselves right back up and get on with life. I'm pretty sure that the only time my friends have seen me ugly cry (you know exactly the sort of cry I mean haha) is when I've been drunk and that doesn't count because surely everyone has ugly cried at least once when they're drunk.

This time, however, something changed. At first, I contemplated making up a lie about the whole situation, because I was sure that all my friends all turn around and say "I told you so" and that I'm stupid for being so trusting. That was probably the worst thing that they could have said because I was thinking it myself. But I knew that this time, I couldn't lie to my friends and say that everything was okay, because it wasn't. I knew that they'd realise this too as soon as they saw my face.

So for once, I didn't shut myself off. I opened up completely - and it actually felt amazing. I got angry, I got sad, I got annoyed, I expressed the hurricane of feelings that I was experiencing all at once. I even cried a bit, although it definitely wasn't ugly crying - just a few tears of frustration. My housemate even commented that she'd never seen me like this before. I've lived with her for over a year now so that just shows how much I hold back my emotions. Not only was this the best stress relief, but the response I got was amazing.

There were no I Told You So's or You're A Silly Girl. Just an abundance of hugs and compassion. They were doing whatever it would take to lift my spirits and even took me out for dinner in London - because good food and wine are so obviously the key to true happiness.

The last thing I'd expected to hear was that any of my friends had been in the same position as me. In fact, two of my closest friends had experienced similar situations. It's crazy that I automatically assumed what I was feeling was unique to me. In that sense, opening up wasn't just beneficial for me, but for all of us as we were able to empathise with each other.

In the end, I felt a whole lot better than I had before. I know that if I'd kept how I was feeling to myself, I probably would have dwelt on it for a long time. Whereas now, I'm able to actually reflect on the whole situation, and I realise that everything probably happened for the best. I'm still disappointed, but I'll move on from that with time. I've realised now that it's okay to not be okay.

So, it may be a small victory, but I've accomplished my first task - and it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.

Tay xx